Have you ever been on an unforgettable first date?
Have you ever been on a first date that was unlike any other?
Have you ever been on a first date that was so bad your best friend laughed at you and thought you were lying?
Well, I have.
I am The Not-So Millennial and this is the worst date I have ever been on.
I was set up with a family friend. I was excited because he was super cute! But I also had this sinking feeling in my stomach. I was so nervous that I drove past the house four times before I finally parked
at the house in a church parking lot. I had to call my friend so that she could talk me into not bailing on the date.
Looking back that was probably a sign…
When I arrived it was brought to my attention that this was about to be a double date with his sister.
I liked his sister, we had met on a few occasion and got along well enough. I just didn’t expect to go on a date with her.
We stayed at the house for a few minutes because my date and his sister’s date were still getting ready. So I sat in the living room sharing awkward small talk with his sister.
We finally left for the date. Not even two minutes into the drive he grabbed a clear empty water bottle. He then proceeded to place a very large amount of tobacco into his lower lip.
It’s bad enough to know that the guy you are going on a date with has a dip in his mouth. It’s even worse when you have to see the brown spit coming out and swishing around in the bottom of a see-through water bottle.
It is not-so-attractive and is oh-so gag-worthy.
We show up at the location of our date. He gets out of the car and starts jogging like a dog with his tail between his legs and shouts back at us, “I need to take a FAT SHIT”.
I shit you not.
He gets to take his shit. Comes out of the bathroom and sighs, “Aaahh now that was nice.”
We walk up to the bar and he proceeds to chug vodka cranberries.
Very macho of him.
For every one drink I have, he has four. Throughout the night he proceeds to get drunker, and drunker, and drunker.
We are here for what feels like FOREVER! But oddly enough I may have only seen him for about 15 minutes..? For some reason, he keeps disappearing for about an hour at a time.
Every time he shows up he is increasingly intoxicated. He shows up for a few minutes then disappears again!
The entire time I am with his sister and her date.
We look over and there is my date.. talking to another girl.. very intimately…
His sister looks like she wants to kill him, her date looks extremely confused, and my date looks like he is having a grand old time!
Finally, my date appears. Just long enough to tell us that he has been cut off and he needs me to buy him a beer. I did buy him a beer, with his money.
We were finally leaving where we had been all night.
As we were walking out he was next to me, drunkenly stumbling along. Then I turned around to see where his sister and her date were. They were a little further back so I stopped walking. When I turned back around I see my date leaning into a different girls ear, then he proceeds to slap her on the ass.
That was not-so-charming.
None of us have eaten in a few hours so we decided on Taco Bell. My date was mad that we were getting Taco Bell instead of Burger King.
Not-so-cool. Who chooses Burger King over Taco Bell?
I order two tacos. My date stayed out in the car because he didn’t get his way.
His sister’s date felt so bad for me that he bought my two tacos and apologized for my date.
To my not-so enjoyment, the date wasn’t over yet. We went to a different bar. Thankfully there were more people there that I knew.
No really, I was thankful! It had been an extremely awkward night so far.
My date went up to the bar and took four shots. Yes, four shots, after he had already been cut off at the first place and had flirted with the bartender in order to keep drinking there.
He was blacked out by this point.
He then proceeded to buy a bucket of beers to drink, to himself.
Myself, the sister, her date, and a group of people that I knew were all sitting at a table and joking around. I was actually having fun with them!
The bartender was an older lady in about her 60’s and was very clearly not wearing a bra. One of the guys that we were with is a regular at the bar, he and the bartender are close. He was getting ready to go home, so the bartender comes over to give him a hug.
My date had dozed off in his seat, sitting straight up holding his beer.
As a joke, they hugged over the top of him. So his head was smashed between there chests.
He then wakes up and starts to shout,
“OH MY GAWD! I WAS BALLZ DEEP IN HER TITS”
“DID YOU SEE MY FACE?”
“I WAS BASICALLY MOTORBOATING HER.”
“SHE’S SO OLD.”
“I HAD OLD LADY TITS ON MY HEAD!”
…and on and on he went. Never stopping.
Embarrassing himself, the bartender, me, and everyone in the bar.
A random girl showed up and sat down at our table and started talking about all of the times she had spent with my man-boy of a date. About how her husband loves him and how impressed he was with my dates penis. About how good his penis was. How great his penis looks.
Yes, my date and a random blonde are having this conversation ten feet away from me and his sister. Let’s just say neither of us was enjoying this conversation.
They then continue to talk about all of the times he has been kicked out of places because of him groping random girls.
He apparently is the guy that walks into bars and grabs random girls tits and ass and then gets escorted out by security.
I sure picked a winner! Maybe not-so-much.
The night is FINALLY over! We get back to the house where we had all met. My date gets out and starts peeing on the side of the truck.
I’m not-so-sure why the sister’s date hadn’t punched him out yet.
I hug the sister and thank her for spending the evening with me. I hug her date and thank him for being nice and funny all night.
walks stumbles over to me and GOES IN FOR A KISS!
At this point in the night, he is blackout drunk, has had about ten dips in his mouth, and smells like pee.
I think he missed the truck.
He’s going in for a kiss and I SWERVE so hard. I swerve like I’m doing the Carlton dance.
There is no way I was about to kiss this 27-year-old boy.
I say, “Kay thanks, byyyyyyyyyyye!”
Then I get in my car and drive my booty home.
I get home from my date and I am facetiming with my best friend. Telling her how awful this date has just been. She is laughing at me and all of a sudden I get a text message. From my date.
“Thanks so much for coming out tonight. I had a blast. You are so fun! I can’t wait to go out with you again!”
Seriously? Were we on the same date?
But me, being the kind lady that I am I reply,
“It was some night.”
It was a not-so-good night, but on the bright side, I don’t think I could ever go on a worse date.
Even on a terrible night always remember be silly, be kind, be honest!